We and Ours — What went wrong.
It is primarily the culture and tradition responsible for this mess. Role of religion is also quite large, more specifically how and how much of an issue is spoken about. Ours is predominantly a Muslim society and culturally we are eastern, the much touted Mashriqi. South Asian parents across all the religions feel a sense of entitlement when it comes to dealing with their children. Talking of Islam specifically there is a lot of material available regarding the duties and kind behavior of children towards their parents in form of audios, videos, emotional sermons, Whatsapp forwards and even Qawalis. But same enthusiasm is not observed when the rights of children are spoken about. There barely is any mention about it. And if at all, it is by Western or Middle Eastern speakers who cast some light on this or answer such queries which ironically enough are asked by none other than people from the Subcontinent.
Now, why is talking about it necessary. In the beginning I mentioned rape it was to make a point that parents, be that of anyone, are not angels. They are humans and are bound to slip up. Ofcourse most of the parents want best for their children but being competent to do so is altogether a different thing . But it is not just the decision making about career paths. It is about constantly suffering at the hands of parents for various reasons and through various ways, with parents misusing the mistaken authority given to them either by culture or religion.
I am sure almost all of us would have read, witnessed, and experienced incidents of oppressive parental behavior. Most common being children committing suicide because of pressure from parents for performing in school or college with a total disregard for capabilities of these kids. Parents feel their kid is duty bound to help them with their race with the next door Sharma Ji or Khan Sahab. Children are getting burnt-out for their parents’ egos.
We may have had the first hand experience of getting blackmailed by our parents for doing visits to relatives where we feel unwelcome or disrespected. It may seem a minor issue on face of it but it puts a lot of pressure on ones psyche to go again and again to a place where you have nothing to gain but to lose dignity instead.
Don’t honor killings, happening time and again, point towards the possibility that there is a huge iceberg beneath the tip of honor killings where torture, beatings and other coercive techniques are manifold? How brazenly such acts are carried out clearly shows that for some of us children are no better than a pet animal that will be killed if it turns mad.
Did we not read the news about a father killing his daughter for not waking him up for Sehri in Ramadhan? Such occurrences are the materialization of a mindset that parents have the power to play God when it comes to their children. Such kind of mental makeup results in spread of other evils in the society like display of aggressive behavior and use of drugs among youngsters.
This exploitation is not confined to only a particular age group rather is takes different forms through various stages of life. For example a girl is being forced to go to the family gatherings even though there is a cousin making advances or a practicing Muslim boy or girl has to attend mixed gatherings, which maybe okay in the eyes of society but for this boy or girl it is not the same. Explaining this becomes harder for them than attending these gatherings .
Again there are instances of piety of a person being misused by his own parents. A man not wishing to displease his parents, because he feels it is forbidden , keeps on getting used and abused without saying “ Uff” in return even though there maybe genuine reason and recommendation in religion to put up a resistance while being polite. The reason for this is obviously the lack of knowledge about this issue which is due to non availability of material in form of lectures, sermons, books etc regarding this matter. It is necessary to learn about ones rights and duties so that one while doing his duty also acts to safeguard his rights.
We may have often witnessed a person is made to feel guilty by mother or father or both for things which are viewed wrong only by the society not by religion and this guilt is used to make him work like a mule in various aspects of household work or other ways they deem fit. Sometimes it is the positive aspects of ones personality like promptness, being obedient, caring, willingness to be part of solution not the problem, conflict avoiding nature etc which is used to make him do things while his or her siblings are left alone knowing they will delay carrying out their orders or not pay heed to the dictations that seem ridiculous to them. And it is not just him by extension it is also his wife who is ill-treated, overused without a word of appreciation although she owes nothing to anyone except her husband. But our society has totally a different take on this issue.
Sometimes even though being aware that their son or daughter is low on savings they will still ask them for money just because they can while doling out funds to their richer children or those of them who want to live a lavish life without moving a finger. These being a clear case of favoring one of the kids over others, an unjust setup which is strictly discouraged by Islam but many people are totally oblivious to it.
Parents force their sons to take their wives to family events where none of the two feel comfortable going to or where the son feels insecure for the unsuspecting wife but can't say so because it will open door to discussions escalating to arguments and all the hell will break loose, suddenly everyone will remember this and that Hadith talking about being dutiful to parents. Also our social setup is such that if a person going through this raises a voice against this clear error the near relatives and society all will take a stand against him because they are his parents after all.
There are instances where a person working outside the country gets married but is not allowed to take his wife along as she has to take care of his parents which defeats the purpose of marriage thus keeping them both vulnerable to Fitnah even if we ignore the psychological stress of insecurities, fears and doubts such a setup can lead to. But the person, his wife, his parents even his in-laws all go through this silently because the Shariat has long been forgotten and speaking against the current normal will mean trouble.
The root cause of this whole scenario is the fact that parenting in this part of the world is driven often by selfishness. “A son will take care of you in old age”, “now you need one daughter to help you with household chores” , “koor haai aasihi aaraam karihekh” and other such lines are commonplace here. Often marrying the sons is not solely because of religion or for his physical or emotional needs but this is motivated by the desire to get a servant in form of daughter-in- law. Even if a family can afford a domestic help or two they will still prefer a daughter in law for that. I have witnessed in contrast to the general behavior of people in the Subcontinent there are some women who will feel sad at the birth of a son because they so much wish for a female child to help with the housework. There are single fathers who are not marrying off their daughters for the fear as to who will cook and clean for them when she is gone. In Afghanistan, going by what I have heard and read, young girls are forcibly married to clear a debt or settle long pending disputes. Here it is also important to mention that South Asian parents can go to any extent for the sake of their children which deserves huge appreciation. This article is not a parent bashing article rather it is to highlight the issues which work against the basic harmony in the society.
There are parents who put everything at stake for their wards hoping for a comfortable life when their sacrifice bears fruit. Such actions not only overburden the parents it also gives rise to unnecessary expectations on both sides. Seeing their parents sacrifices the children are encumbered by numerous responsibilities, pressure to perform, feeling useless. Not being able to leave their parents limits their career choices, even parents wishing to be supportive of their kids to pursue various ventures outside the country or state have to answer awkward question from the society. It is not about a household or two but about kind of the society we have created overall. You can see educating the children is not to make them suitable to make their way in the world rather it is about the returns and for this very reason many girls are deprived of proper education because the only way it can benefit the parents is if she remains unmarried.
The very next factor is ignorance and misunderstanding of the various rulings of religion in this regard. The clerics, speakers have put all the emphasis on the duties of children towards their parents while giving no or little attention to the opposite. Parents feel that their duty is limited just to managing a professional degree and marriage of their kids. That to teach them good values, to groom them as refined ladies and gentlemen is unnecessary. That is why we are witnessing increasing degeneracy. It is result of this mindset that we see inhuman behavior being meted out to parents in their old age or indecent treatment of other fellow humans.
If we desire a congenial society and cordial homes then emendatory steps need to be taken as soon as possible. As is with other matters the solution lies in dealing with the roots of the problem. And the root causes here are the misplaced intentions, lack of information and misunderstandings concerning this issue.
First step towards a reformation will be purifying the intentions. Giving birth to children, imparting them education, feeding them loads of Chaywanprash and Bournvita should not be to prepare them to win your long going battle with the next door neighbor or as your retirement plan rather a child should be taught the foundations of Deen, trained properly in various obligatory acts of religion. A child should be bought up with the intention of pleasing Allah by bringing him up on correct understanding of Allah`s Deen, without ignoring the worldly affairs he will have to deal with. Children should be taught how to behave with their elders and those younger than them, respecting others on the basis of their virtues not superficial characteristics like money, clothes ,cars etc .By this parents will also be securing good treatment to themselves since a cognizant and pious child is less likely to err, deprive them of their due or bring shame to family. Parents don’t need to overburden themselves by going out of their way instead they should do just as much as they are obligated by Allah to do and not to exceed their expectations beyond what our Deen has made compulsory on their children.
Second is knowing more and more about each others` rights and duties. Knowing when to say “Please” and when to put down your foot to demand your rights, when to say “Thank you” and when to expect thanks in return. The knowledge of one’s rights and obligations is the understanding when to show gratitude, when to request for something and when to demand. The greatest problem in our society is the mindset where kids obedience is taken for granted. A complete ignorance about the rights of children, the limits on to what extent and in what fields they are bound by Islam is the greatest contributor to this problem. Islam doesn’t approve of going to extremes. You cannot go on being kind and dutiful to your parents to the extent where you displease Allah by going against his laws nor is it any good to be rude to your parents just because they are doing Haram actions or forcing you to do stuff in the name of obedience. So, where these extremes lie is the significant question to which both the parents and children should know the correct answer. There are definite limits set for everything but Islam magically will not change our affairs unless we make effort to learn, remember and practice such regulations. People knowing bindings related to how much they can have of something will know when to appreciate their kids and when to take them to task. Proper and clear cut guidelines regarding the behavior towards one another for people living under one roof will create harmonious households which being the basic unit of a society will make a harmonious society.
The above two may not be the only solutions but for deducing solutions one has to be aware of the elephant in the room and that is what I have tried to do here. I hope some of the readers will have more to add to the list of solutions in comments.
In conclusion I will say all these generations spent telling the people about kind attitude towards parents haven’t been wasted but leaving the other part unattended will mean trying to fill a vessel with holes in it. Time has come to spread awareness about the right behavior towards the younger ones. The Muslim speakers, people associated with Dawah and rectification work should talk about this much ignored issue. Audio/Video lectures, books, pamphlets stressing on right treatment of children according to Shari guidelines should become widespread. The most effective of all will be taking up this issue during Friday sermons. Atleast for six months the Friday sermons should be only about this because the right treatment of this generation will show result in future. May we never see another child commit suicide, another honor- killing, another rape, another parent in an old age home, another dead body, another inhuman beating of a fellow human being. Aameen.
